The Bills’ Canadian adventure starts with a screech and ends in indifferent silence

As I drove down Transit Road shortly before 4pm Sunday, the screeching began. Chosen to sing her country’s national anthem before the first National Football League game ever contested on Canadian soil, Kreesha Turner fumbled.

Sounding like a wildly off-key and perhaps drugged Eartha Kitt, Turner only made matters more painful to give “O Canada” the slow, soulful treatment, allowing the listener’s emotions to range from irritation to embarrassment to denial to anger.

“She butchered it so badly, she was almost booed out of the stadium,” Tim Saracki reported after returning from Toronto, where he represented Season Ticket at Buffalo’s game against Miami. “It was like, sacrilegious for the Canadian fans.”

The Canadian press was even less kind.

“The Edmonton-born songstress rolled out a rendition stuck in slow motion, an old record played at the wrong speed,” read Monday’s National Post. “Her voice was wispy and lost in the stadium echoes, a performance that has since been described in print as ‘weak,’ or ‘dirge-like,’ and ‘a hesitant stab at the anthem.’”

If you substitute “professional football” for “the anthem,” the three descriptive quotes above pretty well describe the performance of the ostensible home team.

For the second straight week, the Bills’ hesitant stabs produced but a single field goal on offense, while their defenders allowed Miami to take control with a touchdown drive early in the first quarter.

Within the span of a month, Buffalo has degenerated from a playoff contender to a struggling group in search of an identity to an unwatchable mess.

While Tim and Renee made the trip to the Rogers Centre, I joined with thousands of Bills season-ticket holders in extending our generosity to our Canadian friends by allowing them to pay a couple hundred bucks or more for tickets to the landmark contest.

Instead, much of the rest of the Season Ticket coverage team gathered at the Aud, a new sports bar on Transit, south of Genesee Street.

As the name of the place suggests, there’s heavy hockey theme, with vintage Sabres photos taken at the allegedly soon-to-be-demolished downtown hockey shrine ringing the walls.

The Bills were so demoralizing on Sunday that by early in the second quarter, a visual survey of the roughly three dozen patrons found not a single one paying attention to the game, even though Miami’s lead was only 7-3.

The Dolphins would go on to add three field goals, which would prove wholly unnecessary, since Buffalo approached Miami’s goal line just once.

Late in the third quarter, a couple nice runs after catching the ball by Josh Reed helped the Bills reach the Dolphins’ three-yard line, giving them a chance to pull within three points.

It almost goes without saying that J.P. Losman, filling in for the groin-injured Trent Edwards, decided against handing the ball to the team’s leading touchdown scorer, Marshawn Lynch, and changed the play call to a pass. As is his wont, Losman badly misfired one, allowing Miami cornerback Will Allen to catch the ball and choke off any hopes harbored by Buffalo.

The game was not much more intriguing live than on television, Tim reported from the scene:

On the GO train from Burlington, I was surrounded by groups of Canuck Dolphin fans. I overheard one of them asking another, “Did the game sellout?”

The reply was yes, and the guy said, “Thank God, so I don’t have to hear those commercials anymore.”

Got to Union Station around a quarter after 2. Ren and I searched for a bar in desperation. Tried Jack Astor’s—ZOO! Tried The Moose—a jungle. Texas Grill—fuggitaboutit!

We walked some more to Budweiser’s officially sanctioned beer party and was surprised to find a decent pre-game atmosphere there. It was about 15 degrees, but there on the stage was Dewayne Jessie (Otis from Otis Day and the Knights) singing “Rama Lama Ding Dong,” from Animal House. OTIS MY MAN! A cathartic moment for us doo-wop aficionados.

Then we went through the doors (into the Rogers Centre). No hassle whatsoever I coulda smuggled in the Shroud of Turin and they would not have cared.

Seats were great…until the rest of the crowd filtered in. Not the brightest football fans by any means. The four young bozos who showed up next to us before kick-off were all wearing Leafs jerseys. I figured that would happen.

When the Dolphins were introduced I stood up, the only person in the lower end zone section to do so, and gave them the finger. Renee was scared and embarrassed. Fortunately nothing happened.

Surrounded by Dolphins fans during most of the first quarter I realized it was time to make a move. Told Ren, “We gotta get outta here.”

I pointed to a large empty swath of seats in the nosebleeds and said, “We’re going up there!” She immediately agreed.

When we finally made our way up to the 500 level we were sitting above the 50-yard line with fans who actually understood football. Still, throughout most of the game you could hear a potato chip drop, this became apparent when [Bills cornerback Leodis] McKelvin was trying to arouse the crowd in the end zone before a kick-off to absolute indifference.

When Keanu threw the interception in the end zone we knew it was time to leave, but not until a made a derogatory comment about “Canucks” and a fan responded and made me feel like an (explicit anatomical reference). Which I was.

We walked over to some Italian joint on King street where we watched the final seven minutes. Had some honey garlic wings (they get a B-plus, but that’s only because I had not eaten ALL day) and caught the GO train back after a couple beers at the lounge in the train station where we met Ray, who came down from Northern Ontario because his brother’s dying and wanted to see his favorite team, the Buffalo Bills play. Honest to goodness, really touching stuff.

Canadian fans are pretty cool all and all but I can honestly say I don’t get the feeling they want the NFL anytime soon.

Like it or not, Canadians can look forward to six more regular-season and exhibition games over the next four years. Everyone involved has to be hoping the on-field product gets far more entertaining from here.

You can be pretty sure of one thing: Kreesha Turner won’t be invited back.

Dave Staba has covered the Bills since 1990. He welcomes e-mail at dstaba13@aol.com. To read further analysis of Sunday’s game, go to AV Daily.