the creative urge

My girlfriend and I are exhibitionists. Seeing as this is Allentown Art Festival weekend, we intend to walk around in nothing but body paint. We think we want to go as superheroes, but there are so many to choose from. Do you have any suggestions?

Also, do you know if it’s legal to walk around wearing nothing but a coat of paint?

Finally, do you know any good lawyers who represent cutting-edge artists like us?

—Maybe Godiva

Dining Out says: Unless you and your boyfriend have been asked to model painted birthday suits in Sports Illustrated’s Swim Suit Edition, you may want to put on proper attire when you attend the Allentown Art Festival.

Why? For a number of reasons...

#1. Buffalo is a conservative town. Allentown may be slightly less inhibiting than the town of Clarence but its hardly Ibiza.

#2. Children will be at the festival. Would you want your young, impressionable nieces & nephews to witness complete strangers flaunt their nudity in public like deranged clowns on the loose from Cirque du Soleil? Most likely, the Buffalo Police will ask you to leave the festival and if you protest, you will wind up in Sing Sing. Plus, I doubt Cellino & Barnes will come to your rescue.

If you really want to do this, hire an entertainment lawyer from Los Angeles.

The Naked Truth says: Yes, yes, and yes!

I feel you can’t go wrong as Captain Caveman: The Adult Version. Everyone knows cavemen didn’t wear furs in warm weather, no matter what the old cartoon series would have us believe. So all you need to do for this getup is stop shaving today. As an extra prop, pick up one of those giant turkey drumsticks they sell at the festival. As for your girlfriend, I don’t know. Maybe she could go as my personal superhero, Julia Child. All she needs to do is paint herself in a blue dress, and a white apron, walk on stilts, and drink.

It’s legal!

Actually, I don’t know if it’s legal. If it’s not, call Paul Cambria, attorney at law for the firm of Lipsitz Green Scime Cambria: 849-1333.

Suspending Judgment says: In all honesty, I cannot answer this question without first seeing the two of you naked. Feel free to send photos to: Classifiedassociates@artvoice.com

While I await your email, I have a few things for you to ponder. First, since you seem to view this as an artistic statement, will the two of you look like something by Michelangelo, or Fernando Botero? Second, do you have it in you to wait in the holding center while you wait for your arraignment on Monday? Third, do you know anyone who would post your bail (sometime later on Monday). Finally, try Erie County Bar Association for a list of legal counselors.

the bicycle thief

I found a beautiful old bike on the curb last fall. It’s a c.1930s Davis Flyer Twin Flex, still with lots of chrome and very little rust. I took it to this guy who works on bikes. He was recommended to me by a guy at a bike shop, because they don’t really get into the kind of restoration that I was interested in. Anyway, the guy gave me an estimate on the job, and I just about flipped. Let’s just say it ain’t cheap to restore one of these things and get it to really look the way it did straight out of the factory.

I had some extra cash, and since I didn’t pay anything for the bike I decided to let him do the work. I figured once the work was done, I’d have a one-of-a-kind ride that would really turn some heads. I stopped by his place a few times during the winter, and he showed me everything he was getting done. Every spoke was taken off, numbered, and refurbished. The ball bearings were being meticulously cleaned rather than replaced, because, he explained, they were of a higher quality steel than is produced today. He was reupholstering the seat with beautiful Italian leather. He explained that part wasn’t original, but I’d appreciate it over the long haul.

To make a long story short, it took him until last weekend to finish it. By then, I’d already missed out on a few good days of riding the thing, and he had promised he’d be done earlier. So I called some cops I know, and they came over with me to his place and said I could just take the bike. Of course, the guy started squawking. He’s like, “I did a lot of work!” And I’m like, “Tough, I ain’t paying you. You said you’d be done before Memorial Day.”

What is it with these people who think they can just flout police authority?

The Gay Perspective: This is a joke, right? Haven’t you ever seen Judge Judy? Pay for the work or don’t take the bike. It was trash when you found it.

Please send your questions for our panel of experts to advice@artvoice.com.