CONFERENCE CALL

I am hopelessly in love with a guy, several years younger than I am. We are great together and if I were able to commit, he would move in with me, but I have another relationship. It drives me crazy that he sees other men, albeit just for sex. I’ve tried to break it off, but we keep getting back together. Recently we had another reconciliation only to have it painfully crash and burn when, after speaking with me on his cell phone, apparently he placed it carelessly where the activity in which he was engaged caused the redial button to call me back and treat me to the full audio of his happy escapade. What should I do? —Torn

The Gay Perspective: This has more torrid scenes than a Mexican soap opera! Moreover, it’s got midlife crisis written all over it. Admit it, you’re having the time of your life, but the sword is double-edged. On one side is the romantic thrill and constant drama provided by a tumultuous affair. On the other side, you feel like hell. The precariousness of it all is taking a toll on your sense of personal security and self-worth. Yes, you feel highly desirable; but oh, you feel tempest-tossed and misused.

You are unwilling to abandon your existing relationship. You are also unwilling to commit to the new one. This suggests two important thoughts: First, I surmise that you value your long-term relationship more than the new one—and why wouldn’t you? Whatever his other failings, the old lover is, obviously, very patient and willing to indulge you a great deal—for now.

Second, you do not seem to trust that this highly desirable but randy young man will remain devoted to you—and why should you? You receive constant reminders (even by telephone) that you are as dispensable to him as he is to you.

Still, by keeping your life in this delicious state of turmoil, you keep both men—at least temporarily. In fact, if you make any decisions, you are poised to lose both men, and what fun would that be?

In my experience, you are seeking advice only so that you can talk about this. You are indulging yourself in the melodramatic thrill of rehashing the tempestuous details of a Harlequin romance in which you are the star. You already know you should cut the young man loose. You have even gone through the motions of dumping him, but you won’t really do it. Not to worry. This is too hot not to cool down or to blow up, one or the other. Indeed, I predict that there is no helping you until somebody else in this little triangle makes his move—and he will. Write to us then.

The Gadget Guy recommends: Better living through technology. Pick up a Radio Shack phone tap (#43-1237, $17.99) and hope this guy never figures out how to lock his keypad. We have a few of these at the newspaper and, in addition to ensuring accurate transcription, they provide hours of fun. With a little work and a copy of E-Commerce for Dummies (Wiley Publishing, $24.99) you can turn this into an online sex-tape business. The piles of money you make will help cushion the blow when your “other relationship” inevitably finds out.

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MY BACK PAGES

I’m the co-founder of a hyperlocal online news site that has become wildly popular in the the past three years. Still, like most local startups, we’ve had our share of missteps and financial struggles. There are disgruntled people out there gunning for us. Last month a writer for a competing site discovered that were using a pretty neat but admittedly less-than-ethical trick to boost our site visits, which in turn boosts our attractiveness to advertisers. An online firestorm ensued, with our writers and theirs trading incendiary accusations. Is it best to stay silent and let the controversy peter out? Or should I, as a principal in the company with full knowledge of what we were doing, weigh in and explain what we did and why? —Strong, Silent Type

The Gay Perspective: Admit nothing. I advise you to max out your credit cards and invest more in the business. You are a good, good person and have been horribly maligned by jealous competitors.

Is that what you want to hear? I have no time for you. “Explain” what you did? Jesus! Don’t your actions speak for themselves? And by the way, deceiving your advertisers is not “less-than-ethical,” it’s just flat out unethical. I think you should run for the Republican nomination with the slogan, “the ends justify the means.”

Take it from the Webmaster: Why bother resorting to neat tricks that can get you caught? It’s not like your advertisers are going to look through your server logs. We’re already beyond the ethical questions, so the next time your numbers are in a slump, why not just do it the old-fashioned way? Lie like a rug, man!

So you got caught this time, but you’re in luck. This is the .com era, where collective memory lasts only as long as your browser cache. Take down the questionable content and cross your fingers that nobody took a screenshot. Keep your advertisers in the dark unless they ask about it; if they do, chalk it up to petty bloggers chugging the Haterade. And with history being written not by the winners but by the most search engine optimized, protect your Google PageRank with your life.

Ask Anyone is local advice by and for local people. If you have a question for our panel of experts, please send it along to advice@artvoice.com.