The ex-factor

My ex-girlfriend (of a long, long time ago) and I are friends. About a year ago she broke up with the guy she’d been living with for about five years. It was ugly, and she was badly hurt and very angry about the breakup. I, for one, have remained cordial with her ex. We know each other professionally, see each other once in a while as a result, and get along well. We’re friends. If I see him at a bar, I’m more likely than not to sit down next to him for an hour.

She, meanwhile, has found someone new and is ecstatically happy. I would not be surprised if they get married. But whenever she sees me her conversation turns to her ex and grows terribly negative. And she blasts me for remaining friends with him. Am I wrong in thinking that she ought to move on? After all, she and I are friends now, and that was an ugly breakup, too (and one that she initiated, by the way, causing a rift among our friends at the time). Should I stop hanging out with this guy?

—What’s a Dude to Do?

Dining Out says: Why should you stop hanging out with this guy? Its not like you had a negative experience with him. Your ex-girlfriend is obviously drama queen who needs to get over the past. It would be one thing if you were still dating her and happened to befriend an ex. But you’re not dating her and she’s blissfully in love with a new guy.

Therefore, you’re a free man! Befriend (and date) whomever you want.

Ruthless says: There are few better bases for friendship than a shared ex-girlfriend. Do not deny yourself the opportunity to shoot the breeze with this guy whenever you get the chance. No need to tell her about the hours you two spend doubled over in laughter at her expense, swapping stories like it’s some kind of drinking game. Given her obvious controlling and vindictive nature, I’ll venture a guess that there are more than a few good tales you both could tell on the subject of your former love interest. Just tell her that your relationship with her other ex is merely an acquaintanceship, and that neither of you ever, ever, ever mention her because to do so would be in bad taste and you are both gentlemen.

And always save a seat at the bar for her current boyfriend, who I predict will be joining you within a couple of months.

The Sales Guy says: If I were you I’d stop hanging with the girl. Face it, you have more in common with the guy. Apparently you have the same questionable taste in woman. You can go to the wrong bars, talk to the wrong ladies, and you can be each other’s wingman as you hurdle into hell yet again.

Dr Sigmund Fraud says: I’d say, “I wish I had a nickel for every time one of my clients has stretched out on the couch and begun to tell me about a situation like this.” But then, I’d have to remind myself that I charge a heck of a lot more than a nickel for my services. Still, you get my point.

This is one of the lousiest things about love: When it falls apart between two people, the shockwaves radiate outward, bumming out everyone in an ever-widening circle of friends.

I’m curious about how her new beau would feel if he knew the mere thought of her ex still provokes a conniption fit. She ought to come to grips with the past before she has one of these episodes at her own wedding reception, if things in fact progress as you suspect they might.

And neither of you guys get jealous about her, right? You’re both cool with her seeing other people.

I’ll tell you what. If you give me her phone number, I can give her a call to schedule a series of experimental treatments I recently discovered at an alternative psychiatry convention in Bangkok. If she is serious and open about obliterating the memory of your friend, I may be able to help. This, after all, is what I do professionally.

I can’t promise she’ll still want to marry her current guy, though.

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