men gone wild

I’m getting so sick and tired of hearing about men cheating! I constantly hear about men cheating on their spouses and girlfriends all of time… not just in the media but in the town I live in. All of the hype about male infidelity is starting to make me feel like I cannot trust men when I’m in relationships with them. I’m even starting to feel like I don’t even want to get married. Should I accept the fact that men are natural born cheaters or refuse to give up my faith in monogamy?

—Pollyanna

The Practical Cogitator says: Wake up. Monogamy? Who believes in monogamy? Weiner, Edwards, Spitzer, Clinton, Kennedy…this is not a new story in the political arena.

Take a look at Hollywood. Spencer Tracy was a cheater with Katharine Hepburn. He had a family, she never married. Brad cheated on Jennifer, and around and around and around it goes.

Is Elizabeth Taylor a better role model for you? She had eight marriages to seven men. Does that qualify as monogamy to you? Or is serial monogamy more acceptable? Mickey Rooney was married eight times—which may account for his quote: “Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted a whole day.”

Smartmoney says: Sheesh. Not all men cheat. However, I’m sure they appreciate your gift for stereotyping them. On the other hand, I’m not sure we’re really cut out to be monogamous creatures. Some people cheat. Some people can’t handle the thought of sex with one person for the rest of their lives. Who can blame them? I don’t think your issue is with men—it’s with you. Just because you hear stories about cheaters doesn’t mean it’s going to happen to you. And if it has, why don’t you stop getting involved with assholes? I know, assholes are interesting and they’re usually hot in the sack. But I promise—there are decent, honest people (who don’t suck in bed) out there just waiting to find another nice person.

Strictly Classified says: Get married, stay single, do what works for you! Be thankful that you can get married! Maybe you could start a letter writing campaign to Mark Grisanti, George Maziarz and company to find out why two consenting adults cannot be married simply because they are of the same gender. You could be so busy that you wouldn’t have time to think about getting married yourself!

The Straight Skinny: Well, I can’t offer much advice about whether people are monogamous, but I will beg to differ on one point: I never tire of hearing about men cheating. Just like I never tire of hearing about hypocritical evangelicals and “conservatives” sleeping with prostitutes and hiring cabana boys to score meth for them. Maybe it’s because we don’t have a television, so I suffer from a lack of Jersey-Shore style drama, but frankly I eat these stories up. I mean, a guy who wants his sex worker to let him wear tube socks? A guy named Weiner who sends pictures of his weiner to strangers? You couldn’t invent this stuff.

And that’s the serious part: You don’t have to invent it; it’s already all around us. People are weird and funny and sexy and hungry and creative, and we all want different things, and it’s all okay. This isn’t just the new normal, it’s how it’s always been. You just need to find the folks who want the same things you want, or be willing to learn to want new things.

Dr. Sigmund Fraud says: A fellow in my line of work—as an unlicensed, but practicing, psychoanalyst—gets to hear all kinds of infidelity stories. I’d say a slight majority of these involve the husband having an affair, although many times it is the “bored wife” who makes the first move beyond her marital vows. I find these scenarios more exciting to listen to, and that’s why I now limit my practice to sexually active women.

You are struggling with stereotypes that have been driven into your psyche by past experiences, gossip, and mass media. If you are serious about coming to grips with your neurosis, I suggest you and I begin a weekly regimen of a treatment I developed over the course of several years at a high desert hotel a couple hours outside of Las Vegas. It involves the use of various natural herbs, potions, and a hot tub, along with hypnosis, cocktails, tantric massage, satin sheets—and whatever else pops into my head.

I call it “Shame Therapy.” Once the treatment is completed, participants claim to remember nothing of the therapy sessions—and exhibit a marked tolerance for the behavior of others.

Ask Anyone is local advice for locals with problems. Send your questions for our panel of experts to advice@artvoice.com.