Credit Crisis

I have a problem. I have been married fifteen years to a high school classmate. We married while I was in a difficult five-year-long custody battle for my oldest son. I have been an at-home mother for almost twenty years (we have another son, much younger, between us). Problem: on advice of magazine columnists, we put credit cards that were paid off in our freezer—keeping them open for emergency use only. We had one credit card only, which I was constantly reassured had a balance of a few thousand dollars only. One day, I decided to apply for free credit reports and open the bills for once. I discovered this credit card had a $9,000 balance, and four more were in use in my name (the freezer cards). I have taken over every aspect of bill paying, signed up for credit alert programs, and gotten us in a five-year debt consolidation program. He has taken a part-time second job, while I remain at home.

Question: I can never trust him with money again. I am constantly angry with him and remind him of what I discovered. When he becomes angry, he often shouts insults (“insane” and “bitch” are his favorites, in front of the children and neighbors). Do I dump him? Do we move?

P.S. I have seen all financial records. He was going out to breakfast, lunch, dinner or coffee every day. He takes his lunch every day and for years insisted he had no charge card, not one. When he would pick a fight and disappear for a day, he would say he “walked all night,” but I have since found the receipts for hotels, dinners, and breakfasts. I do not suspect an affair, though I did at first. He is too shy.

P.P.S. We moved here from far away two years ago. I have no close relatives or friends; my parents are dead.

—Do I Exist?

Dining Out says: You have two options to choose from: If you really love your spouse and are willing to work through this rough patch, you may want to consider couples counseling in conjunction with your husband seeking individual therapy. You have a right to be angry with his irresponsible, impulsive actions but what really concerns me is the verbal abuse and disappearing acts. It takes more than love to sustain a partnership. Marriage is based on mutual trust, mutual respect, and blatant honesty.

Frankly, I would gather up all the evidence you have on his debt-ridden ass and hire a divorce attorney.

The Sales Guy says: Yes, you do have a problem. First of all you have to wake up and start dealing with your reality. Your husband is not shy. He’s not shy about lying to you, stealing from you, cheating on you, verbally and emotionally abusing you, and totally disrespecting you.

There’s no fixing this sociopath. It’s time to initiate your escape plan and bail before your shy husband plans your insurance covered accidental death.

The Practical Cogitator says: Your problems are vast. First of all, keeping a credit card in the freezer is not the same as having cold hard cash. I can understand keeping a card for emergencies, but why would it be in the freezer? Secondly, having only one card but carrying a consistent balance of a few thousand dollars is curious, as we all know how compound interest works. Now let’s get to the part about opening your mail. Always open your mail, your bills, and check your credit report at least annually. Marriage is a partnership: a financial partnership as well as an emotional one. In this case ignorance is really no excuse. But now that you know what is going on it seems like you’ve taken steps to battle the debt and the second income must be helping. Good for you for being proactive.

My real concern stems from the verbal abuse you mentioned. The violence continuum is a very scary thing. It can begin with verbal abuse and grow to physical abuse, and your sons should never see any person be victimized in this way. I cannot imagine your household is a healthy environment for these boys to be growing up in. A verbally abusive father who sneaks and steals (yes, he was stealing by using your credit cards without your permission). Your husband seems like a classic abuser. He’s moved your family to a remote area where you know no one and have no support system. He’s stealing from you—dinners, hotels and breakfasts. Yes, he is cheating on you also.

I suggest you call a counselor in your area, ask for some advice on how to separate from your husband while you work on the debt and your trust issues. Legally divorcing a man who has nothing and leaving yourself with an additional pile of legal debt seems expensive and self destructive. You can separate yourself from the situation, get away from the abuse before it becomes physical, and get your thoughts straight and clear. In time you will see clearly what you should do.

Good luck.

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